What it Took for me to be “Skinny”

It’s the most talked about topic right now, New Year’s resolutions time and all. LOSING WEIGHT. Gosh, just the thought of it makes me sooo ughhh, you know. I struggled with this almost my whole life. I was almost 200 lbs by the time I was in my mid twenties.

When I started the restaurant over five years ago, I also owned a yoga studio and wellness centre. I taught 10-13 classes weekly and worked from early morning til late at night, 7 days a week. Prior to the restaurant, I had a fulltime day job AND the wellness centre. My weight just kept dropping after I started the restaurant. I reached 130 lbs, which for my height and frame, was too thin. Sure I had muscle definition and a flat stomach, but I couldn’t eat enough to keep up with the calorie burn. I felt light and great at the time, I was running on adrenaline and I was purpose driven. But let’s face it, that kind of life isn’t sustainable. I could become very ill and die prematurely if I had kept that up.

I wasn’t going to go back to being ill. By the time I was 30, I was sick and declining in all areas of life. Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, anemia, arthritis, chronic migraine, almost obese, herniated discs, chronic back pain, acne, skin rashes, chronic constipation, endometriosis, cysts, polycystic ovarian syndrome, I had them all at once. I healed myself through yoga, hypnotherapy, and a plant-based diet. It’s been a decade of healing and I have learned so much and continue to learn daily.

I did what I had to do. I’m not afraid of hard work. Do I want to be 130 lbs again? Hmmm maybe…only because I felt so bouncy and light. But would I want to workout for hours and hours and restrict my calories to get there? No thank you. I’m more about self love and effortless healthy living nowadays. How do I balance eating delicious food and staying healthy without a longggg list of workout routines, cold plunges, sauna, etc.? I’m not trying to be an athlete or win body building competitions.

And contrary to popular belief, the “fitness” industry is far from healthy. This is what I witnessed in yoga therapy: broken athletes, dancers, extreme sports players, etc., whose lives were changed for the worse after their devastating injuries and major physical damages. This is the reason I focused so much on yoga therapy and restorative yoga, because of the desperate need around me. The majority of people don’t need to be more “fit”. It’s like trying to run before we could even walk. We need to have a solid foundation and we need to stretch properly first before we even try to get into the complex risky stuff. Heck, we’re not even breathing deep enough to optimize healing.

I want to be flexible and mobile in my senior years. I want to be strong so I can garden and teach yoga. I want to be fit enough to run around and play with my dogs…To teach cooking classes, run my empire, and love life. And all those things require consistent functional movements, deep stretches, and strengthening activities. I take care of my mental and spiritual health as much as my physical health.

I’m now hovering around 143-148 lbs depending on the day. And maintaining this weight is effortless for me. Other than working at the restaurant, I don’t “workout”. I do my gentle yoga every morning and a little bit of strengthening routine (10-15 mins). And the goal of my morning routine isn’t to release excess weight, but to be strong and mobile, and to be free from pain.

I know it’s the trend during this time to get into detox protocols and extreme dieting. Please remember that these extreme protocols can do significant damages to your entire being. It takes a toll on your mental, physical, and psychological wellbeing and can lead to disordered eating, which is on the rise more than ever now. I see so many people with disordered eating on a daily basis. It’s just sad to see such fear and anxiety around food.

So what should we do? Well, based on years of observation and working with clients, we need to go back to our routine and our eating prior to the holidays…BUT only if it has been working well for us. If we weren’t eating or living healthily to begin with, we could do a few things to improve our habits. Don’t wait til the new year. Eat your fruits and vegetables first to ensure you are getting your fibre and micronutrients for the day. Eating your fibre-filled foods first also helps you feel more full on less calories. I practice the 80/20 rule. Moderation is too loose a term. I eat my whole minimally processed foods 80% of the time and allow 20% of the time for “indulgence”. This gives me the most joy out of life because I just love food so much and this way, I can have my cake and stay healthy too.

Which diet is the best? The one you can stick with and gives you the most benefits physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My diet checks all those points for me. I eat vegan for spiritual reasons and I have been able to heal myself, recover my inner peace, and return to love by minimizing violence, especially the intentional violence we see happening in the animal agriculture.

I realize not everyone has the mental and/or spiritual capacity to make the connection to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Going against the “norm” takes reprogramming, re-education, and effort. We’re just doing the best we can with all the stress we have to cope with daily. But the collective long term research to date point towards eating more plants to reverse lifestyle diseases and for the most health benefits. So if we all eat more plants and less animal products, we’ll be healthier and there will be more peace in the world. So let’s be less militant and judgmental and strive to minimize our contribution to violence by working together to achieve peace and love.

2018- at my lowest weight, working around the clock.

2023- More balanced. More effortless.

I’m killing it!

I’m killing it in the gym! Yeah!!! Literally punishing and killing myself slowly.

It’s almost that time… you know what I’m talking about. New Year’s Resolution time!

A month later…crickets…never heard from most of these people again. Fell off the wagon. Back to their old routine and falling deeper into darkness and defeat. Shame follows and the emotional roller coaster starts all over again, worse than ever before. With each unsustainable goal, we lose trust in ourselves. And if we can’t trust ourselves, what do we have?

I’ve been there countless of times! And I got more and more broken and disappointed with myself with each unfulfilled promise. I couldn’t even trust myself anymore. Yeah yeah, I keep saying this and that but never ended up doing it. If that’s you, do things differently. You know “killing it” isn’t sustainable! You know “killing it” hurts you the next few days and then you need rest to recover and then it’s that much harder to start again. This “killing it” mentality isn’t fitness. It’s not healthy. It’s not loving. It’s literally killing us. I have lost count of how many times I’ve injured myself all in the name of weight loss and vanity. Also, words have so much power. Be very careful of the words you choose to use. Your subconscious mind manifests the words you use.

This mentality of hurting ourselves to show love for ourselves is f-ed up. It’s like we believe we deserve punishment for eating and enjoying life. Do you realize how messed up that mentality is?

One thing I can guarantee is my 10-20 minutes of gentle and mindful movements will trump anyone’s 1-3 months of “killing it at the gym”…if you’re into that competitiveness. I’m not. I’m no longer doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m doing it because I want to be strong and healthy. I want to be mobile and flexible. I want my back and spine to support my best life. I’m doing it for long term health. I want to be that 70 year old woman who can still be independent, spending my time gardening and teaching yoga, running workshops, facilitating hypnotherapy sessions, teaching courses, rescuing animals, running retreats in tropical countries, visit my family and friends in other countries, and many more joyful activities. I want to have a full life in my senior years. What about you? Can you imagine your senior years? Let’s take a step back…can you imagine your life five years from now?

So please, as we roll into 2024, let go of this toxic cycle of self-abuse and self-neglect. The world needs more healing, not punishment. You’re not a bad person. You deserve happiness, health, and abundance at all levels. 

Hey, for those of you who really truly enjoy your time at the gym and are doing it for the right reasons, good for you. Respect! The human body needs more movement.

Keep inspiring people with your journey. It can be hard, but we keep marching on.

Don’t be too stressed leading up to the holidays. I’m nervous because of the hundreds and hundreds of people we’ll be feeding this week. So let me do all the stressing, ok. You relax and enjoy :D

Thanks so much for reading. Cheers to an awesome week!

Namaste XO

Surviving vs. Thriving- Where are you in Your Journey?

There’s so much struggle around us. People are struggling to put food on the table. We are privileged here. I can’t believe that I am now in a place to say that I am privileged. We are alive, we have a roof over our heads, we have our health, we have loving family and friends, and we have modern tools around us to make life easier. We have delicious food on the table. We’re able to nourish and help people in all kinds of ways. We are blessed. However, we aren’t lucky. We worked so very hard to get here. I wasn’t always thriving. To get here, I had to survive first.

I remember how hard life was for us that we had to wait for things to go on clearance to be able to eat. We didn’t have extra money to buy new clothes- hand me downs and second hand shops only. When I moved out and lived on my own, I struggled to pay the bills. This is why I understand that we do what we do to just survive because oftentimes, thriving isn’t an option. I had been there. And I am always mindful of other people’s positions in life. I’ve been an expert in struggling and surviving. At one point though, I had enough. There must be a better way. That was when I read countless self help books and went to financial seminars, networking events, Toastmasters, and even tried some MLM businesses. I never stopped looking for answers and education.

For instance, not everyone can be or want to be vegan, it’s unrealistic to have that expectation. Let’s just be honest here. It’s not that eating plant exclusive is expensive because it can be so much cheaper if you focus on whole foods. I’m talking about the mental capacity to be educated in another way of eating and living. Many people are so exhausted and tapped out they have no more room for anything else. I know some of you may not agree with my views. And that’s ok. Is veganism the best way? For me it is after everything I tried. For you? Maybe, maybe not. Just know that every action has consequences. I don’t believe in personal choices because everything we choose has an impact.

After years trying to heal from trauma, my body was asking for peace and higher vibration food. I was shown how it was impossible for me to release the trauma when I kept consuming it multiple times daily, despite praying over my food. Once I gained the awareness, I needed to end the internal conflict within me. I chose the peaceful way. And it has worked out amazingly for me. Is it possible to be 100% cruelty free? Absolutely not. Our mere existence hurts nature. The houses we live in has cost animal and human lives. Many of the things we buy have cost human and animal lives. If I go through them all, I would cease to exist in order to have total peace. But I’m here for a divine purpose. As are you. I can do my best with the knowledge and resources I have. We will never be “perfect”. That doesn’t mean we stop trying to be good humans. I have a conscience. So where did I start? “I no longer want to consume animals and their fears and suffering. What do I need to do to thrive on this lifestyle?” I trusted that Source/God/Universe supports my alignment. And did they ever deliver! It has healed me on so many levels.

Your journey may be focused on something else this time around. We signed up for different lessons and different struggles in life. All I can do is share my journey and hope it inspires and empowers you. If you are called to a deeper healing, maybe my journey will resonate with yours. I believe this is my last chance to balance my karma. I’m here to finish what I started many lifetimes ago. That’s why there is a sense of urgency and I can’t be distracted. Laser focus.

I will leave you with these reflections. Why are you here? What do you need to balance? What actions can you align with that will speed up your soul advancement?

Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday evening. Remember, Monday is a blessing. Each day we get to live is a blessing, because somewhere in the world, people would gladly trade places with you for another chance at life. Namaste.

Saying YES Doesn't Guarantee it's Gonna Happen

You’ve heard it countless times I’m sure. Say YES to life. Say YES to this, that… Well, my business and life experiences in saying yes have been quite a “mess”.
I said yes to yoga teacher training. Not to teach, but to help myself heal. Then the Universe guided me to actually let go of my fear and teach classes. That was not my original intention.

I said yes to opening a wellness centre in Whitby in 2016 providing yoga, Reiki, and hypnotherapy services. Right after we said yes, one person backed out. So that left two of us. Then not long into it, the other person had some challenges and again, I was left to pick up the pieces and the debt to carry on my own. But might as well, because I have been pretty much doing it all since day one anyway. I had the centre for over three years. I worked my corporate job during the day and then headed over to teach every night and weekend, 10-13 classes weekly. Longggg days.

My lease was up for renewal in January 2020. My guides advised me to not renew my lease a few months prior . I shed many tears over this tough decision. It was my baby and I had worked so hard to build it. But I just couldn’t. I was working 12-13 hours daily at the restaurant (I opened the restaurant Aug 2018) and then headed over to teach 10-13 classes weekly, depending on which teachers needed coverage. Absolutely no day off. Summer was the most challenging as many teachers wanted time off. I had to be there for every single class and workshop. I was burning the candle on both ends. I made arrangements with two local studios to ensure my clients were taken care of after I closed.

Then March 2020, we were shut down. Studios and gyms were closed. I went from feeling broken hearted to feeling so relieved. I was beyond grateful that I listened to my guides. It’s crucial to listen because we just don’t know what’s around the corner. And even if I had kept the centre open, there was no flippin’ way I could have kept both going. We were slammed at the restaurant. With the added cleaning protocols and other things we had to stay on top of, it exhausted me mentally and physically.

When our restaurant was still across the street, a tiny hole in the wall, we looked at a few places to move into. I said yes to three different spaces and each time, it was a no go. My guides were laughing at me while saying “Why do you even bother planning with the little knowledge that you have? Just leave it to us. Do the work, and we’ll take care of the rest”.

One fateful Saturday afternoon, the space that we are currently in now opened up, just like that. The previous tenant didn’t work out. I had wanted this space seven months prior. I wasn’t even able to take a look back then as it was taken already. And then, seven months later, it was ready for us. Outside of the plan. “You can move in tomorrow if you’d like.” The landlord said.

We closed for a week to clean up, move things, get more supplies, and get the place ready. As I have evolved and expanded our businesses, I always keep in mind that our plans will probably not work the way we envisioned it because our knowledge is limited. It forces me to surrender to the infinite and limitless Divine guidance. I set my intentions and I set them free. I detach myself to how things will be manifested. All I am sure of is that they will come to fruition beyond my wildest dreams and for my Highest Good.

I have said yes to many things and when they weren’t meant to be, they didn’t happen. Meanwhile, I have said no to many more things but my guides led me in a different direction and they happened. So I concluded that it doesn’t really matter what my answer is. If they’re meant to happen, they will happen. However, it doesn’t mean I don’t make choices or decisions. Let me explain. How I live my life is like this. I have my self-care practices and I align my actions with my values and beliefs as best I can. I set my intentions and strive to serve with all my heart and soul. When Source/God/Universe decides that I am ready to serve in a bigger capacity, I will be guided there. I meet them halfway through my willingness to do all the work and everything I need is provided for me. Of course my ego still worries from time to time. But for the most part, I have this deep peace and knowing that all is well always and all ways. We are co-creators of our own life and experiences. We are not helpless or powerless. Life happens for us and with us.

I shall leave you with these questions and thoughts to ponder: If you have everything you need- all the resources, strength, and means, what would you do (not in a materialistic way)? How would you live differently (again, not in a materialistic way)? If you know that you are not alone and that you are fully guided and protected, how would you live your life? How would you feel?
So, I wonder then, if you could put yourself THERE already. Now live the way you’re meant to live. BE who you really are already. FEARLESS. DOUBTLESS. PASSIONATE. Because so many souls would trade places with you instantly.

Have a fantastic time being YOU today. Make it FUN. Make it JOYOUS.

XO,

Mathilda

Let's Start at the Beginning

Hello! How are you? For those who are new to Mathilda’s, let me introduce myself.

This is always a challenge for me. Where do I start? I was born in Indonesia where I never felt safe. So when I was 12, my parents informed me that they had plans to send me overseas where I would have a better chance at building a brighter future. I gave it a thought. A year later, I got tired of the school system that wasn’t helpful for my learning and I told my parents I would take up their offer. We surveyed Perth, Western Australia in February 1997 and in June that same year, I moved there by myself, at the age of 14. I didn’t know a single soul there. I stayed with this host family who had two kids of their own and a few young male students living downstairs and a few female students living upstairs.

I was an awkward child growing up. I had a lot of anxiety and was extremely shy. I never fit in. So you can imagine how I felt, being in a house surrounded by strangers, trying to navigate my new life far away from home. My anxiety was debilitating but I kept it hidden from the outside world. Nobody could know because I might not fit in even more. There was surely something wrong with me and I was the only one who could know that. I developed some coping mechanisms to get some relief: Trichotillomania and nail biting. I would only stop after I freaked out looking at the big pile of hair I pulled out from my head, or after the tips of my fingers hurt to the point of bleeding sometimes. The nail biting effected my teeth and jaws and I only got it improved this past year with Invisalign.

Due to my insecurities and anxiety, I focused on my studies and managed to be one of the top students despite the language barrier. I won many awards and even bursaries to help with tuition. Tuition as an international student wasn’t cheap at all. I got a job as soon as I turned 16. I just couldn’t ask my parents for an allowance. I was always a very mindful daughter to my parents. In 1998, Chinese people living in Indonesia were being brutally attacked, raped, and churches, businesses, and houses were bombed and burned down. I wrote a paper about this in University. Being away from my family and not knowing if they would be safe or even alive terrified me. I would wait for their phone call and if I didn’t get any call, I wouldn’t sleep much. So a few months later, my father sent my mother, younger brother, and baby sister over to me in Australia. We stayed at my father’s friend’s house for a couple of months until we found an apartment to move into.

The next few years were a struggle. We didn’t have any furniture. We slept on mattresses on the floor and our dining table was someone’s old kitchen counter propped up unto a cardboard box. My school mates were well off. They had fancy cars, a few cellphones to choose from, and they flew home a few times a year. I had nothing. We would wait at the supermarket at closing time on Saturday evenings and waited for the meat and vegetables to be marked down as they would be closing the next day. We used my baby sister’s $10 stroller (that we bought from a yard sale) as shopping carts to carry the sack of rice as we walked home.

I was ashamed of who I was and my situation. I had no self confidence. In order to save money for my parents, I pleaded with the school principal to let my brother skip two grades. I promised that he would be a straight A student under my guidance. I was taking advanced Calculus and the next grade’s math courses. Seeing my track record and how well I did in math and chemistry, they agreed to let my brother skip grades 7 and 8 and went straight to grade 9. Despite my lack in many areas, I never felt shame for my brains. I also excelled in languages. I was the top student in Japanese class and won awards for it every year. I might not have much but what I had, nobody could take away from me. And that was my only confidence.

We couldn’t afford to live in Australia anymore and my father stayed in Indonesia this whole time in order to send money to support us. In order to unite the family, we needed to move. Australia wouldn’t accept our immigration application as my parents had no asset worth mentioning. My aunt who had been living in Calgary since she was 18 persuaded us to move to Canada. After a couple of years of waiting, we got accepted and as soon as I graduated grade 12, we packed a total of ten boxes of belongings between the four of us and left for Toronto, Canada. That was December 2001. I was accepted into all the major universities in Ontario and even got a scholarship for York University. I chose University of Toronto, majoring in Cognitive Psychology. Hey, if learning psychology could “fix” me, it would be well worth it.

Come to think of it, everything I ended up pursuing has always been self-driven, meaning, my intention has always been to heal MYSELF. Not to make money or be filthy rich, but to heal myself. Hypnotherapy, yoga, NLP, nutrition, etc., the original intention for all of them was to help myself. As I helped myself, I simply shared my journey. This is all I’ve been doing and how I’ve lived.

I worked as much as I could throughout university to pay for tuition because I couldn’t qualify for any loan with no history in this country. Looking back, I was grateful to be denied the OSAP loan because I graduated with no debt. I worked 2-3 jobs at any given time and all hours of the day and saved as much as I could after helping my parents with the bills. When I was 24, I bought a tiny old house in Oshawa, far enough from my parents in Scarborough. Oshawa was affordable for me because with my low income, the only way I could qualify for a mortgage was by putting down 25% down payment, with a B lender. I made a lot of sacrifices in life. I’m truly an expert at sacrifices and delayed gratification. I see that as a strength now. I didn’t (still don’t) have much social life and am very low maintenance. I get my hair cut once a year and I don’t get my nails or face done. There was even a period in my life where I cut my own hair. I never had my hair professionally “done”. I stopped putting chemicals and dyes in my hair since 2014.

Even now, having my own business, I am always the first one in and the last one out. While everyone is still sleeping, I’m already working. My days are long and breaks are very few, but my heart is full. I’m doing what I love, and I’m making my visions and dreams come true. Stay tuned on my post about my visions and dreams. They fuel me on the best days and inspire me to keep going on the hard days. It’s been a roller coaster of a ride and I have been told countless times that I make it look easy. Ha! If you could get inside my head and shadow me, I think most of you would quit and choose to stay where you are. HECK, if I knew how much work would be required, I think I wouldn’t have started! Start a business, they say. Work your own hours, they also say. I think they forgot the next line: Work ALL the hours so you could give more to the government. Back in Indonesia, you fend for yourself. There is no free facility or free health care. But this is a topic for another day. I digressed.

Here I am, at 40, a stronger, more resilient person, after all I’ve been through. We’ll get into my dis-eased years (mid 20 to early 30) sometime in the future. I believe this is why the three years of restrictions and lockdowns we just went through barely effected me. My mental, psychological, and spiritual muscles have been well trained to overcome any obstacle. I believe I will always rise above them all.

So anyways, this is getting quite long. Let’s continue this another time. I don’t want to bore you to death. I need to go to bed as I have a packed two days ahead of me while the restaurant is closed Sundays and Mondays. What did I say? Breaks are rare.

Ciao for now, friends. Stay strong. Stay well. You have the power to change your life.

Namaste.